Dreamyhead


Bonjour!

Im Jemma :] Photobucket

I live in Liverpool, UK.
Im 24 years old and Im a dorky bookworm.
I love to write, and one day I'll complete a novel, and maybe even let someone read it :P

Im in love with an amazing boy and he gives me the swishy butterflies <3
Photobucket 06/06/2011 - always Photobucket

I use this blog to post whatever I like, mostly pretty/girly/cute things though. I usually follow back similar blogs or interesting personal ones :] Dont be a stranger - say hi!

The grief thing.

Since my dad died, over a year ago, I’ve hated music.

Yeah.. thats weird. It doesnt even make sense, but that’s kinda the only way I can explain it. I literally stop listening to music altogether, completely, 100%. And I’d like to stress how weird this is. I’ve generally always been a music FREAK. Like I obsess over my fave bands/artists etc go to so many gigs, and played music constantly. But then it just stopped. I kind of lived in the quiet.

Only my boyfriend really knew much about this, because everytime he played music around me I’d ask him to turn it off. I dont even know why. Its not like it made me feel sad. Not at all. The only reason I know its a weird/random grief thing is because it started since Dad died. Apart from literally one or two days (hours, more like) in the past year, when I’ve indulged in Eminem (who I could never part from!) I havnt played a single song on my laptop, phone, radio.. anything.

I just kinda.. couldnt put up with anything that was like.. like life had gone on without him I guess. It annoyed me whenever upbeat music was on, because how could I ever feel happy like that again? And sad music, well I just wouldnt. Thats silly. Why make myself feel worse.

But tonight I’ve indulged. I’m playing all my favourite music, and discovering new songs/artists I love. Ive been playing music non stop for hours. And it feels weird because I havnt in so long! I know this is normal for everyone else, but it honestly is strange for me right now. And its a good thing too. I feel a little like myself again. And Im excited to see blink 182 in the summer.

I just wonder, has anyone else ever had this? Or anything similarly weird. My other weird thing was that for the first six months after dad died, I couldnt sleep with the lights off. I dont know why. Its embarrassing, Im 23. I couldnt even explain it. Mum noticed. she said it was normal to have weird habits or go through the strangest changes when you lose someone. 

:( I think I just didnt feel safe anymore without him. And I’d try tell myself I was being silly, and I’d remember Dad comforting me when I was little, and scared of the dark. He’d come into my room while I was scared in bed, lie down next to me in the dark and laugh at me. Then point out the things around my room and explain that there was nothing scary out there. It made me laugh, and I always felt better. And everytime I kept the light on, those first 6 months after he died, I was ashamed in case he could ever see me and think I was childish. I duno, lol. ITs kinda funny. But also sad.. I dont do that anymore. I feel safe again. Mostly. 

But its weird right? The odd things after you lose someone. Especially a parent, your safety, your guard. Just so odd..

Anyway. I’ve rambled. Sorry..x

posted 4 months ago with 7 notes

  1. pickingupthepixietrash said: I think its totally understandable to react the way you did. I could never imagine suffering a loss like you have but im glad to hear your enjoying things again. And im extremely jelly of your blink tickets! <3
  2. hersunflowersmile said: that’s so awesome that you are beginning to get excited about it again. I can hardly imagine what that would be like but you seem so incredibly strong and positive and that’s awesome. :) That’s the best way to be.
  3. dreamyhead posted this